A Love Letter to Autumn
Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.
— Robert Frost
Having been born and raised in the hot and humidity of Florida, I never got the chance to really appreciate fall. There are no seasons in Florida, only a moderate dip by 5 degrees. I moved to North Carolina just shy of 3 years ago. My first fall and winter were a complete shock to me; I almost didn’t make it. It’s so interesting how different each state experiences seasons; how different lives are lived. I used to hate winter and the cold (I’m still not a huge fan) but I’ve slowly begun to defrost my ways of thinking. This season is needed, its nature’s way of showing and telling you to slow down. You must slow down.
Coming onto my third fall here… wow, I didn’t realize until this moment it was actually my third… huh. Anyways, coming up on my third fall here, I am finally able to embrace the chill of a new season, the beauty of the changing foliage, the lessons nature is teaching me. There’s something about the dip in temperature, the changing of leaves that leaves me in shambles. Maybe it’s the seasonal depression breaking through.
I started watching Gilmore Girls a few weeks ago, a show I never thought I’d relate to but I fell in love with it. It’s interesting how you read certain books, watch a certain show, meet certain people at the exact time you need it. Everything about the show was what I craved for this season. The characters and their flaws; Lorelai’s complex relationship with her parents, Rory and Lorelai’s mother daughter relationship that raises deep emotions within me, and the humor that makes me literally laugh out loud. The nostalgia of an early 2000s show shot on 35mm, the grain, the warm colors, the sentimental incidental music (yes I looked that up) that plays in scenes that leaves your heart aching the way the characters do. I wish I could have the soundtrack “la, la, ah, ah” follow me around all of winter and fall. It makes me so sentimental, has me deep in thought of what could’ve been; soothes the anxiety of the unknown of my future.
It’s an interesting time for me right now… I’m in this in between moment in life. I’m still living in emotions of heartbreak, emotions of longing for my long distance partner, emotions of loneliness, emotions of emptiness. Feelings of rejection, of anxiety, and comparison. Not many people know this, but its coming up on the year anniversary of my beloved cat Enzo passing away. He was my heart and soul. I ache for him everyday. I wish he were still here. I miss laying in bed with him all day, his little meows, his smell. I wonder if that hole in my life will ever mend without him. For a while I avoided talking about him, I numbed myself by traveling, by staying busy. But it all came crashing down when none of that was there to distract me anymore. I am grateful for this time of year because without this season, without this time of slowing down, I wouldn’t have the head space to reflect and feel. It’s so important to feel through your emotions. I’ve cried, I’ve screamed, I’ve scribbled words in my diary, incomprehensible from my raging anger. But.. it’s what I needed. I thank this season for giving me the grace to do so.
Around this time is where I also start to isolate myself, taking a much needed breather from the pace of summer. Enjoying slower mornings, drinking lots of tea, staying consistent on my dosage of ginger, iron, ashwaghanda, magnesium and vitamin C. I have to say, it’s a world of wonders once you start taking your daily vitamins. I haven’t seen the sun in maybe 10 days, yet I feel like I’m cruising through the days. I feel energetic in a scenery of dead. I feel like I can still have a life even after my 9-5. I’m finally changing my ways this fall and winter. I’m stepping out of the cycle.
I felt like leaving a collection of fall pictures to show my love over my years here. This is one of my many “whys” of being a photographer. I look at it as a gift to be able to look back at these memories, to listen to the playlists I curated during that time— so I could relive that exact period in my life. So I could feel those emotions again. So I can be nostalgic again. I look back at these photos with warmth in my heart, for a time beautifully lived even through the hardships.
Self Portrait, 2024
I apple picked for the first time last year with my friend Annie. We spent hours there, taking the little tractor ride out to the fields and discovering all the different types of apples. We had to have picked maybe 20? I loved it because the time and love we spent into picking the perfect apples manifested its way into an apple pie we made for our First Quarter Harvest dinner. Our first time scoring apples, turning each individual apple to get the rind out, meticulously rolling out the crust to get it exactly thin enough but not too thin where it would crack. Facetiming our friend who lived an hour and half away so we’d all be together, laughing and listening to music. Annie’s cats wanting to be included and they looked oh so cute in doing so. There are just so many cute traditions that it’s hard not to fall in love with this season.
If you’ve made it this far, thank you. Thank you for diving a bit into my world, for seeking connection to my words and spending your time reading in a world where attention spans are sparse to none. I would love to hear your thoughts! Did anything resonate with you? Is this time of year a favorite of yours or something you dread? What do you think would change your mind if so?
Peace & Blessings,
Alexis
xx
